1st XI v Stapleton (H)
Saturday, 16th May 2015
West of England Premier League
Bristol & North Somerset
This week saw the beginning of a new dawn at headquarters with the boss saying it was all about runs and wickets then denying it was anything to do with runs or wickets. Enter supremo Strauss who started on the back foot (#nevergobackatchew) citing trust issues in the England camp and an ‘us or him’ ultimatum for KP #KPforengerland and the rest of the team, later denied by the rest of the team.
So the ECB had problems but the tiny village of Chew wasn’t one… Or so we thought. Not to be outdone trust issues surfaced in the valley – Char doesn’t trust foxes, FilerG doesn’t trust his hand not to break, Daws did not trust himself to turn up at a wedding sober and Shaun, well, Shaun got tempted by the cheap $$ on offer in the PPLSG (Portugal Premier League for Sh~t Golfers). Talk about trust issues! Although he does assure your correspondence he was definitely not dropped and it had nothing to do with the scores submitted for the tea in the season opener at Chew Court. Whatever next Textgate? Players picked on form? Who knows.
Chairman Warren Mao had issued his latest ultimatum stating clearly in a series of calls to his players that runs and wickets would be the only criteria for 1st XI selection and with Dave Blowers’ fine century last week he received the promised upgrade. In the end it turned out to be who was in fact in the vicinity of Chew Court around 1pm on Saturday and did they have any kit.*
Pat Jones joined the final XI at the last minute and Dash won the toss and elected to bat causing and immediate breakdown in player relations, how could those that wanted to bowl first (the bowlers) now trust their captain? Chew got off to a handsome start with Vile to the fore showing the pomp and elegance of David Gower in his youth. Vile reached 50 with another powerfully struck thunderbolt to the leg side boundary prompting gasps from the assembled gallery (although it was later confirmed that it was just Mrs Coombes coughing at an inopportune moment) to get Chew to 77 for none.
Madness ensued as Chew were transformed from world beaters to world leavers and like a colony of cliff deprived lemmings committed Hari Kari in face of a spirited fightback from the Staplegun bowling attack. Ghambir and Sonawane in partnership evoked memories of Laker and Lock or for a younger audience Embury and Edmunds as they flighted, guiled, span and floated the ball confounding the Kamikaze batters in a spree ending 17 for 7. Luckily Charlie ‘Char’ #Thompsonout was on hand to calm Chew nerves and hit a 44 not out nearly as pretty as his surroundings to leave Chew all out and uncompetitive at 160.
Tea was almost ready at 11.30am thanks to some interesting butter adhesion with a cake knife. It was almost ready at 12.30 after further intervention from Chew players. But it took a late save from Mrs Coombes, Mrs Vile and especially Mrs Pat Jones to reach respectability at tea time – I am still waiting to receive the official scoring from the Staplegun capitano.
Refreshed and raring to go the umpires were out in the middle before the batters and bowlers had even registered they had to take part in the second half but like a team of Steven Gerrards Chew got out there thinking they could win. Into the 3rd over and Mondair struck to leave the Gunners 1 for 1 but just like Liverpool of the 1990s, 2000s and 2010s the writing was on the wall and all the Staplegun batsmen chipped in to take them safely over the line for the loss of only 4 wickets. A little mention for our diminutive Australian who chipped in with 3 wickets but whose main contribution was a cruel run out for Sam Munday.
With apologies to your usual newshound, Chew Elvis, it was a good game we tried to beat them but they beat us. #easily
Chew need to start trusting one another, be available and learning to bat, bowl and field might help a little as well ALTHOUGH startlingly the count of dropped catches this week = 0!
*Statutory playing terms and conditions apply. For legal purposes the definition of kit is full whites, a bag, hat, gloves, shoes and a bat and not having a wheel in your surname
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