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Last Updated 22nd Sep 2017, 10:26:40

Match Report

1st XI v Bristol West Indian & Phoenix (A)

Saturday, 23rd May 2015
West of England Premier League
Bristol & North Somerset

It was Eurovision weekend and, in a turn of events some of you avid readers will find hard to believe, we here at the Chew news desk have been given some nil points for our approach to match reports. But what did the jury want… More sequins? More bearded ladies? Graham Norton opening the batting? No, my little Swedish meatballs, it was more stats and more cricket.

Well it was Bristol West Indians away this week, so a trip into the big city awaited the cricketers from the tiny village of Chew. Charlie was obviously worried about this as this would be the first time on a road without being behind a tractor, but the skipper’s Midsummer Battle Bus (VW Traffic, metallic grey, £8,995 on the road plus VAT) picked him up. Vile from the big city of London was going solo, so me and Watto made a day of it: Calypso ice lollies on pick up (89p from Tesco) and talk of a few cheeky Apple-based drinks up Clifton after the match sealed it for me. So off we went.

Adam, like most single men, pulled out on Friday night and couldn’t Save All His Kisses for Chew so in came the smartest man in the club, Mr Rich Gatton, to keep for his first team debut this season. This week the skipper also blew all his playing budget by tempting James ‘hitman’ Connell away from our ex-skipper at Knowle to join the Chew revolution. The only stumbling block was that his father would now also be there watching…

So warm up done, pitch lapped (0.75 of a kilometre) and it's the hottest day of the year so far (68 in the shade). What does our skipper do when he wins the toss (tails never fails)? In Making His Mind Up he decides to bowl on a flat track, a massive ground. I could Boom Bang-a-Bang on about it, so it’s bowling boots on and away we go.

I have a new opening partner this week in young Rowan Coombes (inside leg, 83cm) who swung the ball well and looked decent (0 for 21 off 7). Me, I just plodded up and down with no wickets again what so ever (10 overs, 4 maidens)... Our white Joel Garner comes and makes the breakthrough again, really Making The Skipper’s Mind Up on why he continues to open with a tubby glazier. The King (2 for 46) and Charlie (2 for 49) bowl really well – tight lines Like A Puppet On A String – and wickets fall. But they bat well and after the fifty overs they are 220 for 9. So 4 points for Chew so far.

Tea was taken and with the best ice-cold cordial of the year (a mixed berry number) we had jerk chicken pasta and coleslaw. A great tea, thoroughly enjoyed.

So we fancy 220: Dash and Vile both batting well, Watto a man mountain with the bat, and our new signing James Connell: well, the boy can play. So how we get shot out for 89 I will never be able to explain. It really was our Waterloo.

We fielded and caught really well – one of our better performances in the field if I had to be honest, and plenty of Hold Me Now at square leg – but it's another loss. It was an All Kinds Of Everything type of performance which left me thinking: Why Me…?

Cheddar away Wednesday night in the cup, and Charlie is the skipper! For Charlie Conchita, we will Rise Like A Phoenix.

(no Eurovision songs were hurt in the writing of this report)

Report by Chew Elvis

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