1st XI v Portishead (H)
Saturday, 30th May 2015
West of England Premier League
Bristol & North Somerset
Chew Manga CC haven't lost a game all season. They are a fantastic cricket side, and definitely not too old and slow in the field. Their opening bowler isn't bald and tubby, he almost certainly does not eat enough hot curry and he drinks nowhere near enough cider. And the batsmen never, ever catastrophically collapse to lose their grip on the game. So said Sepp Blatter the other night while he was canvassing votes in the Pelican. Of course I agreed with some of what he said, same as everyone else at FIFA.
Meanwile, Skipper Dash had taken himself and his envelopes of cash to the Cayman Islands on a “scouting mission”. Apparently there are lots of up and coming cricketers there. From his sun lounger, he made the young Charles Charlie Charles this week’s skipper. Char is the Prince William to Dash’s Blatter, and this is how he played it…
Charlie is a legend. He takes stick off of me and Watto every week. We tease him mercilessly about not ever leaving Somerset. And his hatred of foxes. And the fact that cottage pie is the spiciest meal he's ever had. But after he got the season back on track with the mid-week cup win over Cheddar and the curry after, he sent out this week’s team by text. Crazy Sam was back in, James ‘hit man’ Connell was making his home debut, and with the Skipper dodging the FBI Bones was opening the batting with Vile and his new haircut.
So 9 of us warm up while the white Joel Garner taking the back out of a Bear & Swan breakfast (£8.50, one bacon, egg, sausage, toast, beans and a tomato) and Vile chooses Saturday morning to get his ears lowered or his hair cut. So when Charlie wins the toss and we bat, things on the Chew balcony are rosy.
Bones and Vile dig in. Portishead bowl ok – good tight lines – but we do ok. Vile falls first and Crazy Sam comes and bats well. We are sat pretty at 150 for 2 with 15 overs left. 220 is par and we could get maximum Blatter points for the first time this year. Couldn't we??? ‘Course not. We bat like confused FIFA delegates and just muster 197, but it's ok, it's something to bowl at after a hearty tea of flan, egg sandwiches, Jaffa cakes and a cheeky macaroon.
We start off bowling and like on 52nd Street a miracle happens – I actually take a Real Life Wicket... The cricket gods do smile on me (has Dash bunged them??) and with Rowan bowling the other end, we do ok. We take a few wickets but at the wrong times. With a bit of luck we could have made it closer, but Portishead get over the line 7 down in the 44th over.
So what can I say? "I like you”. “I like writing these reports.” “I am not perfect but nobody is perfect". But all that's so last year. I could say “let’s all stick together, play with smiles and the wins will come” but that's not the case. So I will finish with the quote of a genius: "Please please please let me get what I want this time", and that's a win next week at Winterbourne. And what with Mrs Vile up in that big city London, that means Vile is McCauley Culkin next Saturday so it's an Apple-based drinks night and a curry up Clifton which, pumpkins, taste so much better when you win a bloody game of cricket.
*No allegations have been proved in a court of law in the writing of this article. Skipper Dash is definitely not being detained by the FBI. And like Jack Warner nearly said, we’re totally innocent, but if we’re going down, we’re taking you all with us!
Report by Chew Elvis